Who am I, the man behind the camera?
For years I have been presenting myself online as an artist, showing my best pictures and tricks. To impress people, to find clients and for the sake of recognition driven by vanity related to fame ambition. But who am I really behind that lens? This is what my 'relaxation-coach' asked me today in our first session. "Who are we if we take away what we do"?
Well, that question can best be explained with clarifying why in the first place I need a 'relaxation-coach'.
For years I have lived in the United States where in 2012 I became a father of a daughter who now is 8 years old. My living situation in New York seemed to be an incredible opportunity to living the artist dream, having a child with my modeling girlfriend and seek opportunities in the city of all cities. But life there has thrown me some punches and I ended up in a legal battle over the custody over our daughter. And right there is where I developed some patterns that are rooted deeply and present some challenges in my daily life in relation to others.
The fact that I could not see my child for 6 months, catapulted my emotions into straight gladiator-terminator-modi. It felt like someone has taken away the thing that I lived the most, and no matter what or who would be in front of me, would go down. Down by the aggressor within me. I had no patience and I struggled with my faith, but one thing I was not afraid of what to give up my own life for another, my daughter. And that came with a price.
The battle against myself through others took 7 years. And when I succeeded to solidify my rights and finally had my daughter safe and sound in my home. I could not enjoy it the fullest as I developed a fear of loosing her which I could't shake. Until the my body started shaking when I wanted to relax. In my bed, just like that. No panic attack, just my upper body shaking which I could not control.
I went on a Yoga retreat in Ibiza and started to adres the matter that I never take time for myself as I have a pleasing-nature, driven by fear of rejection which come from my youth, and by the fact that I wanted to pursue my own path instead of the one my parents kind of imposed on me. I took some time of for a couple of weeks and payed attention to what God has created for us to enjoy. Nature, ocean, beautiful people, animals. I read books that inspired me again to live a holy and wholesome life.
When I returned to the US I learned that the courts had given me full custody over my daughter and I realized that I could not live any longer, by myself, isolated from the world in Brooklyn or North Carolina where I at times lived as my daughter has family there. Those were lonely times and all these feelings have been stacked in my upper body felt like it. I never despair as I am a person that believes that God never let you go through troubles more then we can handle. And by this faith-life I must admit I was able to succeed and overcome my situation and come out victorious. Because a while after I was Homebound with my price to my own country, where I would be surrounded by my loving family. I even managed to convince my daughters mother to come live in Venlo as well.
That all sounds like a fairy tail story if I put this on paper but the pressure in my body again started to overcook slowly as I felt responsible of the integration of my daughter and her mom, my new job as a reporter having daily deadlines and the importance that I felt this job has for everyone to be able to live, of me. Cost me again to get the shaking over my body again.
I realized that I was living in fear. Fear of failure, fear of losing time, fear of losing my daughter in case she was not going to be happy in Holland. Fear of her mom leaving back to the US. Fear of losing my job. Fear of losing.
How can I be so afraid if on the other hand I have incredible faith and courage to partake in life adventures and don't back-up
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